Because I said so

Today was a day like no other. It was filled with crying, screaming and tantrum throwing...

And that was just me.

Its amazing how dealing with kids can sometimes cause you to lose sight of the fact that YOU are the parent. Sure, you give birth to this amazing creature, but while you're counting those fingers and toes, did YOU ever stop to contemplate the day that you'd have to be a PARENT? Did you ever picture yourself losing all self control and repeating those words you heard YOUR parents say- and swore you'd never say: “Because I said so.”

What kid actually ever accepted that response??? I know I certainly didn't, and yet, during the midst of the day from Hell, I gave up with arguing all the reasons why my sons needed to listen to me and just shouted it.

Because I said so.

It didn't work. It never does. And I don't think that THAT even annoyed me as much as the fact that I got to that point in the first place. How is it that a 10 year old can figure out all the right buttons to push to make you blow your top? I was never given a manual for how to raise my kids- why were my kids given a manual for how to raise their parents?

I know there are at least 100 different psychologists out there that would disagree with how I handled today's catastrophe. Advice would probably range from I should have kept my mouth shut and not allowed an argument to boiling Cameron in hot oil...

Okay, maybe not that.

I know I could've done things differently- especially now that my throat hurts and I find myself contemplating putting an IV of wine in my arm. But, really now, how many people have watched disasters unfold before their eyes, but couldn't tear themselves away long enough to save themselves?

Oh my gosh- I'm that twit you watch in the movies. You know the one- she's the one that has plenty of time to get out of the way of that train that's barreling down on her, but instead, she stands there screaming at the top of her lungs.

Oh, good God- kill me now. I've become a cliché.

Letter to my son

Dear Smallest Child 'o' Mine,

Right now you are sleeping- and that is a good thing for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that you were nearly auctioned off on eBay. I toyed with the thought, but after realizing that no one would buy you in the state you had been in- that I would have had to pay THEM to take you- I walked away from the virtual auction house.

Today -at only 4 months old- you gave me a glimpse of your teenage years. Your insatiable appetite, your refusal to sleep, your constant cries in response to my pleading...

There's a chance I may revisit the eBay idea at a later date, but if that doesn't pan out, I might post you on Craigslist... or possibly FreeCycle.

You're 4 months old. It boggles my mind as to what you could POSSIBLY have to complain about. You weren't wet. You were constantly eating, so hunger was out of the question. I gave you the option of choosing what you wanted to wear today, but you stared at me blankly, so if the problem was your outfit, well, that's purely on you. You cried when I held you; you cried when I put you down. You cried when I talked to you; you cried when I sang to you- though, I don't blame you there. Vocally blessed, I am not.

My sweet, precious 4 month old- do you realize how close you came to being a sweet, precious 4 month old in a basket on someone else's doorstep today? The basket was negotiable- a laundry basket would have worked. Heck, you can't crawl- I thought about just setting you there, like a crying, little lump of wet clay. That when I passed by those doorstep's that held 'Welcome' mats, I looked at them as beacons of hope, beckoning me to leave my worries at their doorstep.

You -my love, my light- YOU are the reason why some animals eat their young. I can only imagine that the decision making process goes a little something like this:

“Aw, honey- our cubs are adorable! See that one? See how quiet she is? She's a thinker- we won't ever have to worry about HER getting picked off by a hunter.”

“What about that rowdy one?”

“Oh, he's a fighter! He's going to be a great leader of our pride one day!”

“And that one? The one that won't stop crying?”

“He's lunch.”

I'm not saying I'm thinking of eating you- that's horrible and wrong.

I WILL however be bookmarking eBay.

Love,

Mom

Fine print

I love babies.

They're sweet and cuddly and they smell good. I love their smiles and coos and the way they can make your heart melt with just one little half-cocked grin.

Really. I love babies.

That is, until they're mine.

That's when I can no longer give them back when they discontinue their sweetness, start squirming to get out of my arms, and constantly smell as if something is either proceeding to die or already rotting in their diapers. Its when they only smile and coo when they are trying to get their way. It when the moment I refuse to give in or am unable to decode their incessant babbling that they give up that half-cocked grin right before they give out a blood-curdling scream or spit up all over me-

-and less had gone in than came out-

THAT'S the time when I start wondering if its really all THAT illegal to sell your kids on eBay. I mean, a guy sold his entire LIFE- how wrong IS it to just want to sell one TINY little part... a part that's only 23 inches long.

So, yeah- babies are cute until they're mine.

Always discuss the refund policy, people. And read the fine print- they'll ALWAYS get you with the fine print. That's where those sneaky hospital personnel put in the “extras”. Things like, “You MUST leave the hospital with your child” or “Your maximum stay time is 2 days- after that, we'll be throwing you out, regardless of whether or not you're ready” or, my personal favorite “We will NOT be sending you home with a nanny”. You might think they don't mean it or that you will be looked upon as a special case, but trust me- they DO mean it.

At least, that's what the nice security guard told me.

Always read the fine print.

The Greatest Diet Plan EVER!

Tired of all the weight you gained during pregnancy- either your own, or your wife's? I've got a GREAT diet plan. I guarantee you that if you follow this -to the letter- that you'll be back in your pre-pregnancy pants in no time. As a precaution, I must inform you that -before starting any diet plan- you should check with your doctor first.

First, make sure your baby has colic. If you're baby doesn't have colic, but is just difficult (i.e.-a normal baby), this will still work, but you might have to try a little harder. If you were one of the blessed individuals who had an easy baby, whisper a prayer of thanks and stop reading here. Chances are you were also one of the ones that wore your pre-pregnancy pants out of the hospital, and therefore you have no need to read any further.

Now that you have your colic-y/ difficult baby in hand, you are permitted a brief moment in which to cry hysterically and throw a brief tantrum. Its good for the soul, but its also good for getting your heart rate up. There now- you just lost a few warm up calories. I bet you're feeling skinny already!

The next step in this incredible diet is to listen to your baby cry hysterically until you finally give in and walk him/her around the block a couple of times. Since most colic-y babies have their witching hour around the same time every day for longer than a half an hour, this will ensure that you not only get the doctor recommended half hour of exercise, but you'll probably rack up some bonus hours as well. “But his crying will cause the neighbors to think that I'm torturing him!”, you might say. All the better, I say! You'll be forced to walk faster (since the cracks in the sidewalk will help to tame his demons), thereby increasing your heart rate and metabolism. Presto! Quicker fat loss!

After you've walked around the block until the soles of your shoes have worn off, you'll probably be hungry, which brings me to my next secret of dieting success- little food. I don't mean eating small objects. I mean, eating small amounts. Let's face it, if you're experiencing the horror that is a colic-y baby, you epitomize the definition of “fast food”. Anything that can be held in one hand and eaten quickly is your meal of choice: sandwiches, corn/hot dogs, small hamburgers, Snickers candy bars, etc. “But none of that is very healthy!”, you might complain. Well, #1, neither is skipping meals altogether, but also, you're only eating what can fit into one hand, and isn't portion control what doctors everywhere stress when speaking to their patients? And, let's not forget- you're burning off all those unwanted calories (see last step described).

If you're either unable to walk around the block for some reason; it has no positive affect on your baby's cries; or you're just looking to increase your workout benefits, you also have the alternative option of what I like to call “Rocking Sit ups”. In this twist on an oldie but goodie, you sit on the edge of the bed and rock your body back and forth while holding your baby. If you'd like, you can combine a couple of the steps- maybe try this while crying? Screaming burns calories, as well, but I wouldn't recommend adding that to the routine unless your baby is out of ear shot, as it has a tendency to cause your tiny dictator to increase his own volume. This exercise also has a fun twist as you can change it up once your kiddo is older: when you're past the point of frustration and starting to lose it, find the nearest corner and rock back and forth.

If, however, you've reached a point where you're just too tired to walk or rock, here are two routines you can try that are more of a band-aid than a solution, but they still work. Sometimes you just need a quick fix to boost your self esteem, anyway:

Once your baby has you in tears from exhaustion and frustration, take a quick peek in the bathroom mirror- the tears will instantly distort your vision and take away your ability to see your body fully. Voila! Instant fat loss! Sure, at the back of your mind you know its still there, but before you allow that to drive you into deeper depression, remember that your red face with puffy eyes and snot running out of your nose is now bound to draw a LOT more attention than those few pounds you gained during your pregnancy.

Yeah, your right- that doesn't help nearly as much as the other routines I just posted. Well, as I said, these non-exercise routines are merely band-aids- not solutions.

Now, the next routine only usually works for first time moms (since most well-seasoned moms said good bye to sleep LONG ago), but if you've got 2 or more kids already, you MIGHT be able to do this step, due to the pure exhaustion of the multitude of tasks on your already full plate. I'm talking about INSOMNIA. During this step, the lack of sleep causes you to LITERALLY forget who you are, what you originally wanted for yourself in the first place, as well as, the inability to care about what you look like. A word of caution in performing this routine, though: performed incorrectly, there's a chance you could alienate everyone around you, defeating the purpose of losing weight.

Sure, you could argue that you're trying to lose weight for HEALTH reasons, but who are you fooling?

I must also point out that BORROWING someone's colic-y baby to lose non-pregnancy related weight gain is not only allowed, but its encouraged!  I'm sure the parents of that baby would embrace the idea of handing over their crying baby to you to further your weight loss goals, if you so chose.  You might want to do one of 2 things if you take this route, though:  either, 1- write up a contract stating that you'll take the baby for its first 6 months of life (since continuous work on the program is the fastest way to your goal weight), or 2- find out the times that the baby is most colic-y, and write up a contract stating you'll take him/her during those times.  This will help you tremendously, as the parents of colic-y babies quickly fall unknowingly into this weight loss routine and you don't want to lose out.

As I said at the beginning, I urge you to check with your health care professional to be sure that this diet is the right one for you before trying it, but I'm sure that there are many of these routines you are already performing- its just a matter of combining some of them and working on them daily. After all, dedication to the diet plan is the surest way to ensure optimum results.

Let me know if any of these techniques work for you! I always love to hear feedback!