My one and only

Have you ever seen any Discovery specials on bugs?  More specifically, have you ever seen any Discovery specials on bugs with heat sensors?  That's my child.

I don't mean that he can sense when there's a live body next to him.  No.  What I'm talking about is that my little almost 3 month old son has an innate sense of when his parents are sitting down to eat food.  He can be asleep for an hour or just a few minutes, passed out cold or stirring in his sleep, and it doesn't matter- that child will wake up the MOMENT we put the first bite into our mouths.  I'm convinced that if we left him with a sitter and went out to dinner, that when we got back, the sitter would tell us when he woke up and it would be the EXACT moment we began to eat.

Its a little frustrating and a tad bit scary.

However, this is definitely a GREAT diet program.  I start to take a bite of food, he screams, food gets put down, no calories taken in to collect as fat.  I never walk away from the table with that "I'm so stuffed" feeling.  I'm gonna be skinny in NO time.

However, I'm starting to feel a bit woosy from lack of nourishment. 

Oh well, maybe it'll be like the sleep I'm starting to lack.  Before long I won't even miss it.

I hope.

Besides, all new diet plans have their downsides.  At least I don't have to count calories- the math is simple:  0+0= starvation, I mean, 0.  Who wants to count to 1200 anyways?

Food is overrated.

He DOES leave me amazed, though.  It'd be one thing if he was eating solid food and his blood-curdling screams were due to jealousy that we were starting without him and anticipation of getting his own portion; I'm pretty sure that his cries, though, are due solely to his wanting to be my one and only- and that goes for what sustains me, too.  Maybe its a weird twist on what Sigmund Freud said about little boys being jealous of the relationship their mothers have with their fathers- only, Nicholas is jealous of my relationship with a hamburger.

Self Esteem? What's that?

I've figured out that becoming a mom can really mess with your self-esteem.

Sure, you did something that no man could do- and kudos to you for doing it!- but I'm pretty sure- no, I'm positive- that if men were actually ABLE to give birth, the human race would have ended with Cain...

and I'm not so sure I would have blamed Adam in the least.

So, maybe boasting about my ability to run the race that is "labor and delivery" is less of an accomplishment and more of a walking, talking testament to my insanity.  When you really think about it, all moms are masochists.  Even if you didn't willingly go through labor or a c-section- if you took the adoption route- you still made a conscious decision to let your heart walk around outside of your body.  If that's not asking for pain, I don't know what is.

And then, after its all said and done, not only do you have a baby to show for your efforts, but now you have many other "badges of honor": bags under your eyes from lack of sleep, a saggy stomach, stretch marks, and swollen- well, yeah.  I'm actually in awe of the women I hear about with kids only 10 months apart- with them, for WANTING their husbands near them so soon after, but also with their husbands, for not being scared off.

Me?  I did everything but put up a barbed wire fence around my side of the bed.

Of course, my husband is wonderful.  He tells me I'm beautiful everyday.  I love his dishonesty.  Its like that song that says "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies"- it NEARLY changes my perception of myself momentarily when I look in the mirror.

Nearly.

Until my  sweet, honest 4 year old climbs onto my lap and says,"I love how fluffy you are, Mom."

The Greatest Diet Plan EVER!

Tired of all the weight you gained during pregnancy- either your own, or your wife's? I've got a GREAT diet plan. I guarantee you that if you follow this -to the letter- that you'll be back in your pre-pregnancy pants in no time. As a precaution, I must inform you that -before starting any diet plan- you should check with your doctor first.

First, make sure your baby has colic. If you're baby doesn't have colic, but is just difficult (i.e.-a normal baby), this will still work, but you might have to try a little harder. If you were one of the blessed individuals who had an easy baby, whisper a prayer of thanks and stop reading here. Chances are you were also one of the ones that wore your pre-pregnancy pants out of the hospital, and therefore you have no need to read any further.

Now that you have your colic-y/ difficult baby in hand, you are permitted a brief moment in which to cry hysterically and throw a brief tantrum. Its good for the soul, but its also good for getting your heart rate up. There now- you just lost a few warm up calories. I bet you're feeling skinny already!

The next step in this incredible diet is to listen to your baby cry hysterically until you finally give in and walk him/her around the block a couple of times. Since most colic-y babies have their witching hour around the same time every day for longer than a half an hour, this will ensure that you not only get the doctor recommended half hour of exercise, but you'll probably rack up some bonus hours as well. “But his crying will cause the neighbors to think that I'm torturing him!”, you might say. All the better, I say! You'll be forced to walk faster (since the cracks in the sidewalk will help to tame his demons), thereby increasing your heart rate and metabolism. Presto! Quicker fat loss!

After you've walked around the block until the soles of your shoes have worn off, you'll probably be hungry, which brings me to my next secret of dieting success- little food. I don't mean eating small objects. I mean, eating small amounts. Let's face it, if you're experiencing the horror that is a colic-y baby, you epitomize the definition of “fast food”. Anything that can be held in one hand and eaten quickly is your meal of choice: sandwiches, corn/hot dogs, small hamburgers, Snickers candy bars, etc. “But none of that is very healthy!”, you might complain. Well, #1, neither is skipping meals altogether, but also, you're only eating what can fit into one hand, and isn't portion control what doctors everywhere stress when speaking to their patients? And, let's not forget- you're burning off all those unwanted calories (see last step described).

If you're either unable to walk around the block for some reason; it has no positive affect on your baby's cries; or you're just looking to increase your workout benefits, you also have the alternative option of what I like to call “Rocking Sit ups”. In this twist on an oldie but goodie, you sit on the edge of the bed and rock your body back and forth while holding your baby. If you'd like, you can combine a couple of the steps- maybe try this while crying? Screaming burns calories, as well, but I wouldn't recommend adding that to the routine unless your baby is out of ear shot, as it has a tendency to cause your tiny dictator to increase his own volume. This exercise also has a fun twist as you can change it up once your kiddo is older: when you're past the point of frustration and starting to lose it, find the nearest corner and rock back and forth.

If, however, you've reached a point where you're just too tired to walk or rock, here are two routines you can try that are more of a band-aid than a solution, but they still work. Sometimes you just need a quick fix to boost your self esteem, anyway:

Once your baby has you in tears from exhaustion and frustration, take a quick peek in the bathroom mirror- the tears will instantly distort your vision and take away your ability to see your body fully. Voila! Instant fat loss! Sure, at the back of your mind you know its still there, but before you allow that to drive you into deeper depression, remember that your red face with puffy eyes and snot running out of your nose is now bound to draw a LOT more attention than those few pounds you gained during your pregnancy.

Yeah, your right- that doesn't help nearly as much as the other routines I just posted. Well, as I said, these non-exercise routines are merely band-aids- not solutions.

Now, the next routine only usually works for first time moms (since most well-seasoned moms said good bye to sleep LONG ago), but if you've got 2 or more kids already, you MIGHT be able to do this step, due to the pure exhaustion of the multitude of tasks on your already full plate. I'm talking about INSOMNIA. During this step, the lack of sleep causes you to LITERALLY forget who you are, what you originally wanted for yourself in the first place, as well as, the inability to care about what you look like. A word of caution in performing this routine, though: performed incorrectly, there's a chance you could alienate everyone around you, defeating the purpose of losing weight.

Sure, you could argue that you're trying to lose weight for HEALTH reasons, but who are you fooling?

I must also point out that BORROWING someone's colic-y baby to lose non-pregnancy related weight gain is not only allowed, but its encouraged!  I'm sure the parents of that baby would embrace the idea of handing over their crying baby to you to further your weight loss goals, if you so chose.  You might want to do one of 2 things if you take this route, though:  either, 1- write up a contract stating that you'll take the baby for its first 6 months of life (since continuous work on the program is the fastest way to your goal weight), or 2- find out the times that the baby is most colic-y, and write up a contract stating you'll take him/her during those times.  This will help you tremendously, as the parents of colic-y babies quickly fall unknowingly into this weight loss routine and you don't want to lose out.

As I said at the beginning, I urge you to check with your health care professional to be sure that this diet is the right one for you before trying it, but I'm sure that there are many of these routines you are already performing- its just a matter of combining some of them and working on them daily. After all, dedication to the diet plan is the surest way to ensure optimum results.

Let me know if any of these techniques work for you! I always love to hear feedback!

Take 3

When I was in high school, I had a specific view of what my life would look like:  somehow I would be both a stay at home mom and yet have a very successful career in some chosen profession (it all depended on how I felt that particular day); I'd be married to the man of my dreams; we'd have a little white house with a little white picket fence; there would be a big oak tree in the yard and on it would be a tire swing; sitting on the front porch would be our lazy family dog; and playing out in the back yard were our 2 kids- a boy (oldest) and girl.  Sometimes there would be a third child in this dream, but its gender never really mattered.

I've now been out of high school for 12 years, and my reality is just a tad different from my dream.

I went to college to get my "very successful career", but after graduating, I realized it wasn't quite the field for me.  I also realized that I was pregnant and my boyfriend and I weren't married.  After running up some credit card bills, our credit took a nosedive, so the possibility of getting the "little white house with the little white picket fence" wasn't in the cards, and there aren't many apartment complexes with big oak trees right out your front door, so there went that picture, along with the tire swing; and since most apartment complexes either don't allow pets or else they're too small for them, we ended up with a lazy cat instead.  And the kids?  I now have 3 boys- all male.

In fact, the only part of my dream that came true was marrying the man of my dreams.  I know- its a mushy statement.  Well, I'm a girl- I'm allowed to be mushy.  Heck, in a household full of males (our cat is a boy- even our fishes have boy names!), its my God given right- no RESPONSIBILITY- to be as girly as possible.

You'd think that I'd be disappointed that not all of my dreams came true, but God never promised me that life would be like Disneyland- where all your dreams come true.  And, honestly, I wouldn't change a thing.

Well- right now.  Ask me if I would toward the end of the day when I'm watching the clock, waiting for the boys' bedtime,  and wishing I could have a glass of wine.

So, why 'Take 3'?  Well, for an obvious reason- my youngest was born on Dec. 30th.  3rd child.  3rd. boy.  3rd chance to get the 'Mommy of the Year' award...  You'd think that wouldn't be so hard, but apparently they have really high standards for the definition of 'Mommy of the Year'.  I've heard they frown on some of the things I do as a mom, but I'm still crossing my fingers.

This is also my 3rd chance to get back the body I had in high school.  Of course, there's the very real possibility that the only way that'll happen is through extensive plastic surgery, but I always was a sucker for lost causes.  I think, though, that if I put it out there into the ether that I'm on a mission to shed the "baby weight", that maybe I'll become a MILTSDAHCW ('Mom I'd like to sit down and have coffee with'- what?  You've never heard of that one?) by Christmas.  We'll see.