Peace in Fear

1 decade.

That's how long its been.

10 years since every American's life was changed immensely and forever.

240 months ago, we all woke up with the given that any day could be our last, but there were a couple of other "givens" we had originally woken up with:

• America is generally a safe country.  Wars occur in places like Iraq- we only see those kinds of riots after the Lakers lose... or win.
• Planes don't crash into buildings.  In fact, if you were to ask anyone, they'd tell you that flying is safer than driving.

But on the morning of September 11, 2001, all of our "givens"- every ignorant assumption we'd held near and dear- were tossed aside.  Suddenly, our world was never going to be the same.  Our kids and future kids would never know a world where flying didn't include the possible threat of terrorism; where they didn't know at least one person who was heading off to war or had just come back; where there was a 'Twin Towers'.

My oldest was 1 and 1/2 at the time, and I'll never forget holding him, thinking "What a horrible accident!" and then watching as the second plane slammed into the second tower.  I'll never forget wondering what kind of life he had ahead of him.

I'll never forget church that Sunday.  It was packed to the brim with people hoping for answers- looking for hope itself.  Flags were bought by the dozen and flown in every doorway.  Candles were lit for the fallen.  People sang songs of unity and tolerance and spoke of how we needed to come together, throwing around the phrase "God Bless America".

760 weeks later, most of those thoughts have faded.  Flags might still fly, but candles are no longer lit.  Many who fled to church right after the attack, soon gave God a nice pat on the back with a "Thanks for being there when I freaked- see you at Christmas."  Unity and tolerance were nice ideas until you fit a certain profile or pissed someone off; and "God Bless America" soon became the "Have a nice day" of this generation- which strikes me as odd since "under God" in the pledge of allegiance still offends some people.

In the end, the only REAL thing that has stuck around all these years later is fear.  It happened once, could it happen again?  Where's Bin Laden and what's he planning?  Now we're at war- what now?  Oh, now we've found Bin Laden and he's dead... wait, what about zealots for his cause?

So, with so much fear in abundance, what does God's word have to say about it?

"So, do not fear, for I am with you." Isaiah 41:16
"In God, whose word I praise- in God I trust and am not afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?" Psalm 56:4
"For in the day of trouble, he will keep me safe in his dwelling." Psalm 27:5

When we're afraid, he doesn't turn his back- he opens his arms.  He reminds us that -as it was stated so eloquently in Veggietales- "God is bigger than the boogie man."  God gave man free will, so there's never going to be World Peace- mankind is prone to sin- but when things go bad, God gives us himself.  No matter what we've faced, are facing, or will face, God is always true to his word and he's said that he's with us.  He's been there everyday for the last 5320 days- whether we've noticed or not- listening for when we call on him, and he'll continue to be there everyday, waiting on that 1 day when we're afraid and need him.

God is bigger than the boogie man.

So, what's to fear?

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I miss you

Before you read this, please understand that this isn't going to be like any of my other posts.  Its not something I write with a light heart.  Its something I need to get off my chest.

Today marks a day that will forever be burned into my brain.  2 years ago I gave birth to an amazing little boy.  From the amnio that we'd had done, we know he was perfect.  From every ultrasound we'd had, he kicked and squirmed like he was determined to be a soccer player or something.  He was, by all accounts, going to be perfect- a handful, no doubt (hey, he had 2 older brothers to imitate)- but absolutely perfect.

On July 8th, 2009, I went in for my check up.  I was 19 weeks along.  I had my boys with me.  At first he couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler.  He didn't act worried- he went and got the ultrasound machine, claiming that our baby was probably just lying in a weird way.  My doctor asked my boys if they wanted to see their little brother.

I knew something was wrong.  My little squirmer wasn't moving. 

My doctor still tried to assure me that things might be ok.  He sent me down for a better ultrasound.  I knew my boy was gone.  They told me that, from the looks of it, he stopped growing at 15 weeks along, so that's when he most likely passed.  It will always be a question in my mind if the amnio I'd opted for had been the cause- the 2 instances coincided so closely together.

After a lot of issues with insurance and what not, we ended up having to deliver my baby instead of getting the "easier" D&E.  Christopher Scott was born at 12:10 a.m. on July 10th. 

In a way, it was a good thing we had to deliver him.  I ended up getting an infection that they had to treat with antibiotics.  If we'd gone to PP to get the other procedure done, who knows what could have happened to me.  It was too hard to want to hold him after he was born- I couldn't even look- but they gave me a box with some things in it, including a picture.  I've yet to look at it, but its there.

Now that its been a couple of years, I'm doing better.  Its still hard- like when I look at Nicholas and wonder what Christopher would have been like- but I'm not a mess.

There are some things I learned after losing him that you don't fully grasp unless you're in that situation- things like, don't call someone who has just lost someone they love unless you can keep it together.  The last thing they should have to do during that time is help YOU with YOUR grief.

Also, I will NEVER say "I understand" or "Everything happens for a reason".  You never actually CAN understand since every situation is different and -even if you can give the exact reason why God allowed it to happen- no one cares when they're going through that.  I've learned that the best thing a person can say is "I'm here"- and then hold on for the ride, because its an emotional roller coaster.

I asked a friend the other day (who had gone through a similar situation) when I would ever feel completely normal, and she made a good point- this IS now my "normal".  Some days I'll feel great.  Some days I won't.  Some days I won't think about him at all- and that's ok.  Some days I'll remember that I haven't thought about him and I'll feel guilty- and that's ok, too.

I also realized that there is NO timeline for grief.  Everyone says that, but what people say and what they expect are 2 different things.  Its one thing to say you feel down or upset about losing him a month or 2 after it happens, but after a while, most people patiently (and some not so patiently) listen to you, all the while wearing a "you're not over it yet?" look on their faces and once you're finished, they ask if you've talked to someone yet.

Well, duh- YOU are someone.

Not once did I say I'm DEPRESSED or SUICIDAL.  I just said I'm feeling "DOWN" or "OFF".  I didn't ask for answers or for you to even open your mouth.  I needed to talk.  To open up.  If people need someone to vent to about their crappy bosses and horrible traffic they encountered on the way home, shouldn't I get to vent about losing my baby?  Not once would I ever listen to someone say,"Argh!  My husband is SO annoying!  He pissed me off SO bad!  He REALLY hurt my feelings!" and then come back at them with,"Have you talked to someone about how you feel?"  Tomorrow, your boss might give you a deserved raise; traffic will clear up, and your husband might apologize.  I won't see my baby until I get to Heaven.

I understand there's a reason for everything, or, more accurately,"Romans 8:28 (King James Version)
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, and are the called according to his purpose."  I look at Nicholas everyday and think about the fact that -if we'd had Christopher- Nicholas wouldn't be here.  And then the guilt comes.  I think about what the world lost when Christopher died and what the world gained when Nicholas was born.  I know God has a plan for all that has happened, and its not my job to "figure it out" but to watch it unfold.  Its not always easy to remember that- and its NOT something I wanted to hear right after we lost him- but I get that.

In the mean time, today marks a sad and special day.  It was the day I officially said,"See you later" to my baby and the day that my baby got to get his first hug from God.  Sometimes I remind myself when Camo doesn't check in on time or when Jacob rides his scooter too far out of my line of sight, I ALWAYS know where my Christopher is- he's in the safest arms of anyone I've ever known.

And I'm sure he's running around, causing everyone in Heaven to laugh, and talking their ear off.  He IS, after all, my son.