Peace in Fear

1 decade.

That's how long its been.

10 years since every American's life was changed immensely and forever.

240 months ago, we all woke up with the given that any day could be our last, but there were a couple of other "givens" we had originally woken up with:

• America is generally a safe country.  Wars occur in places like Iraq- we only see those kinds of riots after the Lakers lose... or win.
• Planes don't crash into buildings.  In fact, if you were to ask anyone, they'd tell you that flying is safer than driving.

But on the morning of September 11, 2001, all of our "givens"- every ignorant assumption we'd held near and dear- were tossed aside.  Suddenly, our world was never going to be the same.  Our kids and future kids would never know a world where flying didn't include the possible threat of terrorism; where they didn't know at least one person who was heading off to war or had just come back; where there was a 'Twin Towers'.

My oldest was 1 and 1/2 at the time, and I'll never forget holding him, thinking "What a horrible accident!" and then watching as the second plane slammed into the second tower.  I'll never forget wondering what kind of life he had ahead of him.

I'll never forget church that Sunday.  It was packed to the brim with people hoping for answers- looking for hope itself.  Flags were bought by the dozen and flown in every doorway.  Candles were lit for the fallen.  People sang songs of unity and tolerance and spoke of how we needed to come together, throwing around the phrase "God Bless America".

760 weeks later, most of those thoughts have faded.  Flags might still fly, but candles are no longer lit.  Many who fled to church right after the attack, soon gave God a nice pat on the back with a "Thanks for being there when I freaked- see you at Christmas."  Unity and tolerance were nice ideas until you fit a certain profile or pissed someone off; and "God Bless America" soon became the "Have a nice day" of this generation- which strikes me as odd since "under God" in the pledge of allegiance still offends some people.

In the end, the only REAL thing that has stuck around all these years later is fear.  It happened once, could it happen again?  Where's Bin Laden and what's he planning?  Now we're at war- what now?  Oh, now we've found Bin Laden and he's dead... wait, what about zealots for his cause?

So, with so much fear in abundance, what does God's word have to say about it?

"So, do not fear, for I am with you." Isaiah 41:16
"In God, whose word I praise- in God I trust and am not afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?" Psalm 56:4
"For in the day of trouble, he will keep me safe in his dwelling." Psalm 27:5

When we're afraid, he doesn't turn his back- he opens his arms.  He reminds us that -as it was stated so eloquently in Veggietales- "God is bigger than the boogie man."  God gave man free will, so there's never going to be World Peace- mankind is prone to sin- but when things go bad, God gives us himself.  No matter what we've faced, are facing, or will face, God is always true to his word and he's said that he's with us.  He's been there everyday for the last 5320 days- whether we've noticed or not- listening for when we call on him, and he'll continue to be there everyday, waiting on that 1 day when we're afraid and need him.

God is bigger than the boogie man.

So, what's to fear?

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K.O.

First of all- I'm excited.  I reached 100 followers!  Yay!  Go me- and you, lol.  I wouldn't have made it to 100 without you.  So, yeah- thanks!

'But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.' 2 Corinthians 4:7-8

Looking back, I'm pretty sure that 2009 was the worst year of my life:

~lost 2 babies
~lost the home we were living in
~our car finally completely died

And that was on top of all the other daily stressors that make you want to bang your head against a wall.

In church, we always hear our pastor say,"If you aren't going through a tough time, you're about to.  If you aren't, ask yourself why not."  It isn't because you aren't so morally untouchable that the devil is afraid; its that the devil is probably looking at your life and sees you as a minor threat- if a threat at all.

Now, I'm not going to get all up on my "morality high horse" and tell you that the devil must've seen me as a major threat and that's why I had the year -literally- from hell.  I won't because the devil doesn't- CAN'T- do anything in the life of a Christian without God's say so.

I can practically hear skeptics everywhere saying," So, you're saying God did it?"  Not necessarily.  I'm saying that God ALLOWED everything that happened to me and my family for a specific reason.

Maybe it was to make way for something better.  After we lost Christopher and the other baby after him, we got pregnant with Nicholas.  I miss my babies more than anyone could possibly imagine, but I'm thinking that God must have something pretty special planned for Nicholas, and that's why we needed him.  After we lost that home, we moved into a better one where we -Corey most of all- aren't as stressed.  And after our REALLY OLD car died, a friend came forward about how she needed to sell a car she had- which we got for a pretty great price with a pretty great payment plan.

Or maybe God allowed all of what happened to get me to a point where I'd finally start relying on Him more.  Sometimes the only time we seek God to lift us up is when life has pushed us to our knees.

Or, maybe God allowed it all because He knew that I could take it; that I would be able to walk away from the situation stronger for it.  That I would be 'struck down but not destroyed.'

Not a lot of families- marriages- can survive what we went through and come away from it stronger, but I'm not going to say that we did it through our own shear willpower.  Absolutely not.  That would be a lie, in all honesty.  There was one moment, after we lost our second baby, that I was standing in our living room, crying to my mom, and asking her why God hated me so much- what did I do that was so bad that this was my punishment?  That if He didn't love me, then I didn't want to love Him.  And after we lost the house and our car went to that big car lot in the sky, I wrote to my pastor and asked Him why God had it in for me, and that if God did anything else to me or my family, that I'd stop believing in Him.

Does any of that sound like someone who's strong enough to get through things on WILLPOWER?  Yeah, I don't think so either.

Humans- we're weak.  Much like a clay pot, it isn't until you put it through the fire that it gets stronger.  God made us this way so that we can't boast of our own greatness; so that when people look at us, they don't see how strong Amber is that she made it through all that unscathed.  He made it so that when people look at me, they see that what I went through was an impossible situation to have come out without His help and they see the scars left on my life and they ask me where I got them.

So that I can point them to The One who got me through it.

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Oh, so tired...

(This was SUPPOSED to be published YESTERDAY, so sorry for the delay.)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

Its days like today that reading something like that really speaks to me.

If you've ever traveled Stay At Home Rd., you know how exhausting it can be.  I remember working at one of those jobs where you put on grown up people clothes and you get in a car to go there; and when you got there, you'd speak to other adults!  Sure, some of those adults had less commonsense than my 7 month old, but they had considerably larger vocabularies, so that almost made up for their VAST stupidity.  The fact was, I had conversations with them that allowed me to flex my grey matter and practice synonyms- like dimwit, stupid, blockhead, bonehead... you get the picture.

And just as I was about to bang my head against a wall until everything was fuzzy and less complicated, it was time to go home.  I'd clock out, get in my car, and head to the place where there was peace... to a degree.

And, when I got tired of home, well, you see how this goes.

Working away from home gave me a change of scenery and a change of frustrations.  No matter how hard I had it one place, I was able to escape shortly.

The fact is, when you're a stay at home mom, you LIVE with your most annoying, clingy, bossy, horrible customers.  There's no escaping...

(Well, there is, but we'll get back to that in another entry I think I'll title: "Running toward paradise".)

But, when you're a responsible parent, there isn't any other option but to stay and take it.

Today, I dealt with an 11 year old child that doesn't QUITE get the fact his birthday is only supposed to be ONE day.

Not 2.

Not a week. 

In fact, if he would have REALLY analyzed the situation, he would have grasped the fact that he was only having a birthday because of ME, therefore, I'M the one who should have been celebrated.

But, no.  My sweet, little, ungrateful, entitled newly 11 year old son thought that not only could HE fight with me, but that he would bring in his brother and 2 of his friends to back him up in certain conversations.

Did I mention, I had just baked my gorgeous, highly selfish son cupcakes for his birthday?

How dare I, though, suggest that we should do anything but what HE wanted to do.

Ok, so there was my rant. 

After all that, though, I still had a ton of other items on my mile long to do list.  To be perfectly honest, I was near my breaking point.

How did I get myself into this mess?  WHY did I get myself into this mess?  I'm just SO TIRED...

Come to me... I will give you rest.

Its funny how sometimes I'll be in a particular situation and something will jump out at me or creep into mind to remind me that I have another person that knows what exactly I'm dealing with.  And, no, I'm not talking about my husband.  He's probably going to be the co-writer on that other entry I'm thinking about writing.

Its nice to know that when I'm ready to give up, there's Someone who's willing to take it from me.  When I'm ready to collapse, there are arms outstretched that I can collapse into that won't let me go.

Arms that will give me rest.

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